i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Randomize
