if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
