Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
