just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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