If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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