Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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