woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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