who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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