does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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