i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
