the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
4 words: hood of his car
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
