Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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