apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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