I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
