I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
