so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
