she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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