The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
