capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
