we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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