highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
