So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
