I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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