I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
