the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it was like eating out sand paper
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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