Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
