vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
