haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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