I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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