My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
