i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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