i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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