I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
