Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
