if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
