my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
