So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
