i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
