one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
home. puking in laundry basket.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
