never play flip cup with pint glasses
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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