So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
