The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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