I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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