Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
