how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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