Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
