I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
