Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
