I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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