the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
